My mental health diagnoses might change tomorrow. I'm interested to hear what this therapist thinks, but I'm also really nervous.
mental-health-related stuff below.
edit: i even had my anxiety meds, and now i'm just going back and forth between decently calm and overwhelmed.
cw: mental health
a "little" update
i noticed that i haven't posted much on here recently. i suppose i'll type out a little update. warning: this is ending up negative.
things are definitely getting harder the longer we have to stay inside. apparently that three-year period of time when i left the house once or twice a month didn't get my used to it. it's hard to tell if i'll personally be able to adapt, but ah, oh well i guess.
so my mental health has been worse, particularly the depression. i've been trying to keep up with doing stuff like watching shows, reading things, and playing games, but it's honestly been really hard to get myself off the floor, a place where i spend much of my time lying down miserably.
i've also been isolating big-time, but i guess i've been doing that for years now, due to depressive and avoidant symptoms. and once you've been avoiding people for years, it's really hard to get back into talking to them anyway. i've been trying, telling myself that maybe they don't hate me because they're inviting me back, but it's hard. i don't know what to think. i don't want to make the assumption that they want to talk to me.
social media does help me feel a little more connected to others, though!
on the bright side, i guess i'm getting my medications (slowly) changed, and i'm going to therapy again.
oh, and i'm not sure if i've said this, but my partner and i are fostering kittens! it does help with my mental state for multiple reasons, including the fact that we have to have a schedule related to taking care of them. for example, they have to be fed four times in 24 hours.
anyway, i might post more later. i didn't expect this to be about my mental health, but i guess i'll post it anyway? how are you guys doing?
this new med has been bringing back my anxiety and emotional instability. i don't know how much longer i should be taking it, but at least it seems to help a little with my motivation and depression.
maybe i should write an update about this. i'm trying a new med called wellbutrin and am still trying to figure out how i feel about it. it seems to be making my depression better but my anxiety (which has imroved since i first increased the dose) and mood swings worse. i guess that's one thing that can happen when your depression is covering up other symptoms. (i had lots of mood swings years ago, when my depression wasn't as consistant, so i'm assuming that that's how things are working.)
so is my mental health better or worse? it's hard to tell. my partner seems to think that this might be easier to work out with a therapist than the depression, because when i'm depressed, i'm kind of stuck. but it also means he might be experiencing more splitting than before because i'm not as numbed out. maybe it would be easier for a therapist to work with me now? (i'm scared of going back to therapy, though, but that's a whole different post.)
so i came up with an idea in my sleep last night. those who know me (not many people) know i'm really into (this is going to sound strange) the categorization of different mental health issues. plus i've done a lot of research (mostly in the past) to learn more about myself and my own struggles. i also enjoy educating others on this subject, so i thought maybe i'd make a blog that posts maybe weekly about a different disorder each time. if people (other than me) become interested in this, they can request a post about a disorder they're interested in.
i'm thinking that the blog's posts would include dsm categorization, side commonalities in each disorder, people's experiences with the disorder, etc. i'm not expecting anyone else to be interested in this, but if you are, feel free to let me know.
annnd that's it for now. i'll probably have to delete a blog i was hoping to get back to working on later in order to make this. also, a lot of research will be required, so hopefully i have the time for this project.
my mood has especially been like a rollercoaster this past week.
life is hard. at least my mood is doing better so far today.
have you tried medication? My depression was pretty horrific and finding the right meds helped a lot. We recently moved and I've had to stop taking them and I can feel things getting bad again :/ And my brother in law said his didn't get better at all until he started taking meds either. I don't want to sound invasive but I know depression sucks so if that's something you haven't treid it might help?
oh, yeah, i'm on meds, and they have helped a lot. i guess i could try for better ones, but i'm kind of scared to risk it, knowing that i might end up how i was in the past. i think my depression is just getting worse because i'm stuck inside a lot due to the virus, which might last for a while, so i'll probably have to do something about it eventually lol.
i don't know your situation, but i hope things improve for you, too! like you're able to take your meds again or something.
this past friday, we talked about my depression because it's apparently been getting worse after the schools went online, and i've been in the house more. she asked me some questions about how it felt, so i told her that and how i often can't do anything but lie on the floor. she ended up saying that, although it's gotten a lot better, my depression still seems bad and has catatonic qualities to it (something i've always had a hard time understanding becasue catatonia seems like such a broad concept with many possible symptoms i definitely don't have).
i'm feeling better (than before) as of now. i can actually talk and process words in my head instead of... not talking and giving one-word responses to most things.
it's hard to imagine this ever going away or at least lifting. ugh.
depressed. head empty.
my depression has suddenly lifted a bit after we went out to run errands, and i want to spend this precious time doing something somewhat enjoyable instead of... work.
the depression is about to set in again. i can feel it.
i swear. a combination of my antidepressants and anxiety meds make me have some symptoms on the hypermania spectrum. but it's hard to tell because i'm depressed all the time. maybe i'm like this normally??? it's hard to tell when you don't know what your base is. Idk but so far i feel great!!!!!
i have a really hard time doing things out on my own, making decisions on my own, doing homework on my own, responding to people without the help and input of my partner, etc. it's hard to live like this. i hate having to depend on him. maybe when i see my new therapist, she can help me change. i'm just scared of not doing things right when i do them myself.
I got something prescribed for my nightmares, but right around when it came in, I stopped having nightmares. This is cool I guess?
i've dealt with a lot of anxiety today, but guess what: i've survived it (with the help of my anxiety meds of course).
since some people are talking about their experiences with BPD...
also suicidal ideation and SH mentions below.
i was constantly having rage episodes, other intense emotions which were almost all negative (still having intense emotions but they're less intense and more positive ones are mixed in now), dissociating more often than not, impulsively taking my mom's drugs to make the pain go away, getting delusions, paranoia episodes (like once i hid in the bathroom because my brain convinced me that my brother was going to come after me with a knife), splitting, etc.
i researched why symptoms could improve so much over time and ended up reading about how common it apparently is for people with BPD to have remission periods. i also asked in a BPD group for others' thoughts, and one person talked about their psychologist saying that many people "grow out of it." (i know many people seem to disagree with this sort of thing, and i'm not saying i agree with it; i'm just trying to piece my experience together.)
or maybe i was experiencing relationship-focused C-PTSD since they're both similar illnesses it seems.
to everyone experiencing BPD, or any other overwhelming illness, i wish you the best. you're going through a lot.
talk about weight (negative), possible disordered eating, medication, and mental health below...
at first i was really happy and excited about the weight gain, partially because i've always wanted to gain weight, but probably also because i felt more lively on this new medication. i experienced less time laspes, less dissociation (or something similar), felt less distant and out-of-tune with the world, had better executive function, could actually kind of take care of myself, and even stopped experiencing hallucinations. i was a whole new person on this medication.
eventually, i started feeling really uncomfortable at this new weight. i tried dieting and working out (which was easier because my mental and physical health have improved tremendously), even going down to 1300-1400 calories a day at some point. i lost a little weight but couldn't keep it up. i love food so much.
i am ashamed of wanting to lose weight because it's against what i've started to believe in. i think everyone else looks great at every weight, too. why can't i feel that way about myself? i'm either too thin or too heavy.
my partner tries to remind me that it's an internal problem with an internal fix--and that no matter what weight i achieve, i probably wouldn't be happy with myself. he talks me through it himself, which helps, and suggests that i go to therapy for that issue. he's probably right.
liking how you look is hard, folks.
me: wow, i can't believe i was invited to hang out and study with people!!
AvPD symptoms: too bad you're not going.
i'm so confused!!! someone at school is trying to be my friend (at least i'm pretty sure she is), and my avoidant self is like, "RUNNN!!!" but another part of me doesn't want her to leave me, so i'm also scared of trying to get out of talking to her too much. she's really nice and cool. things are so confusing!!!
lots of people are approaching me this semseter, and, even though it contributes to chronic embarassment, i think i'm getting more used to talking to people. i still embrass myself with every word, but it isn't as bad. i guess i feel more confident? i doubt i could talk to anyone long-term, but this is progress.
i kind of want to post something, but depression makes my head so blank and full of nothing.
I'm new to this site, so I thought I'd post an introduction. I'll try to organize this as best as I can.
I'm 21 (almost 22... scary), but I still feel 14. My pronouns are she/her and they/them. I'm living with my family, cats (who I care for very much), and partner, and I'm going to a community college part time. I'm not sure about careers yet--if I'm even able to work. In MBTI, based on the research I've done, I'm closest to an ENTP (possibly an INTP).
I've grown up with both physical and mental health issues, both of which have improved over the past couple years. My primary physical illnesses are MCAS, hEDS, POTS, and narcolepsy. The main thing bothering me these days is the narcolepsy. Mentally, I think there's a lot of work to be done. My current psychiatrist suspects a lot of things but hasn't gotten around to diagnosing anything new. One suspected thing I'd like to mention is AvPD because it might affect how I interact with people (especially if I ever can talk to people on here).
Some things I'm interested in when my brain lets me have interests: